Journey to Peace and Liberation

Today I learned something new about you. And it is frustrating, scary, sad and worrying. All in that order. All I can think of now is that if only I have all the answers that you wish for, the kind that would miraculously subdue all that frustration, fear and disappointment.

And all that kinda brought home the fact that I too am still looking for the perfect solution to my sense of entrapment. I guess we're all still searching for our own perfect lives. That elusive bit of peace and liberation.

I don't know if the knowledge of not being alone in this search would help you, but it has somehow kept me going for the last 36 years. It helps to know that, while no one knows the answer, at least everyone is searching for it. Trust me it isn't easy for me to wake up everyday and remind myself that it is ok to be imperfect and at the same time living in an imperfect world. But I guess the day when everyone has given up is the day when I will too, and from where I'm standing, no one has.

So I guess we'll just have to continue to search, even if we have to cry, whine, scream and get lost along the way, and at the same time hope that those who care and love you cry, whine, scream and get lost with you too.

Is honesty really the best policy?

All I ever wanted is for everyone to be happy. And lately it feels as if all I'm doing is pleasing everyone, especially my mother. Not that I'm complaining that I don't want to be pleasing her, but I'm beginning to wonder if there are limits to what I can and cannot do, where there will be moments when nothing I do will ever please her. Like what happened today. It's almost scary to think that she is actually envious of the fact that I went, at my own time and convenience, to pick up someone I care. I was especially hurt by her remark, that I "don't even pick her up at the bus station nor the airport", as she conveniently left out the times when I did went out of my way, made time for her.

I cannot help but wonder about the meaning behind that remark, as if nothing else is, no wait, SHOULD, be more important than her in my life right now. For the first time I felt the weight of expectation upon me, as if all my siblings have relinquished their duties as her children as soon as they got married and leave the nest, transferred their collective care and responsibilities to me, so therefore I am now expected to be the sole provider of everything.

Because they have their own families, I don't.

Fact of the matter is, there IS someone else important in my life right now. She may not be family but I care deeply for this person, and I WANT to give her my time and attention, just as I am trying very hard to give my parents too. Is that wrong? Would it be easier for us all if I can just be honest and come out to my mother? I'm so tempted to do so right now because I do wonder if all this pleasing at the expense of the truth is causing more confusion and pain, and if I can just tell her the truth, she will finally give me the space, support and understanding I so desperately need from my own mother. Perhaps maybe then she will no longer question the wisdom of my decisions, what I want to do with my time, and who I choose to care for.

Random Musings

I like the way you make me feel, but not the things you say sometimes. It's ok, I tell myself, it's just how you are, part of who you are which I am learning to accept. Kinda like how you are learning to understand and accept the good and not-so-good parts about me.

That's part of what is likable about you, the understanding and accepting. There are the not so likable bits too, like your indecision. And all I can do is wait. Be scared, and wait.

Restless

Have we just found and lost love?

What is the price of love - to give one's all and ask for nothing in return? Is that what I must do? Is that what you want of me - love unencumbered - even though you're not ready to love me back yet?

I sit now pondering Andrew Marvell's musings - Had we but world enough, and time....

Random One-Track Mind

In a perfect world, she would be having dinner with me right now.

In a perfect world, we would be holding hands everyday and not worried about anyone else looking over our shoulders.

In a perfect world, she would tell me she misses me everyday.

In a perfect world, she wouldn't have to delete me from her phone.

In a perfect world, I can call her anytime I want to.

In a perfect world, I would wake up with her next to me every morning, and kiss her good night every night.

In perfect world, I could tell her anything I want without scaring her.

In a perfect world, we wouldn't have to worry about someone else visiting from out of town, changing the sheets or cleaning the laundry.

In a perfect world, our paths would have crossed sooner.

In a perfect world, I could selfishly proclaim her to be mine. Only mine.

In a perfect world, I wouldn't be blogging about this and trying not think that, right at this moment, she is holding someone else's hand.

Alcohol Therapy

Missing you. Bad. Very Bad. No amount of alcohol last night seem to have helped.

Quandary

I'm in a very unhappy place now.

So far removed from my comfort zone that I choose to leave behind, yet nowhere near where I wish I can be as I look ahead.

When you told me those cutting words last night, I felt as if I am right back in that same vacuum where all my anguish cries cannot be heard, even though you were lying right next to me. Even though I have been giving you my all, and am still ready to do all that you want me to.

I Believe

Dear God,

Grant us both the serenity and courage to see through this rough patch. Especially for her, I wish for her faith, strength and resolve to rise above to see the silver lining that I am very certain lies ahead of her. And that she is stronger than I can ever hope for myself.

I was in her shoes and I believed. And that is why I know that, if she does, she can be better than she thinks. So please help her believe, like how You helped me?

Reality Check #2

Nobody told me that even the people you love can be cruel and selfish too.

One Week

It's been that kind of week. The kind filled with plenty of highs and lows.

I was high that you finally found your first job.

I was high that you passed your Masters.

I was high that I finally get to kiss you and hold your hand.

I was even high that you were giddy over simple pleasures such as phone cases, pasta and sushi.

I was high on you.

I was low that you have yet to find your second home - but I know in my heart it's out there and that your instinct is right to turn down all that we have uncovered so far.

I was low that the week zipped by so quickly - I wished you didn't have to sleep at that furnace of a mouse trap.

I was low that you're still not mine, because I managed a glimpse of what is in store, and more than ever before, I crave not just your touch and laughter, wit and sarcasm, the smell of your hair and warmth of your skin, but also the start of something amazing, if this week is any indication of what future holds..

And now I'm just low. Because I'm missing you in a way that I didn't think was possible.

Will You Be Mine?

What can I do to make you mine? Because after 4 days, I still have no doubts.

No Doubt

Truth is, I really wanted to give you a big warm "see I told you that you're gonna get the job" hug because I never doubted you. Just like how I still have no doubts about us. Things can only get better, if you'll just let it all fall into place around you, if you'll just set your mind free, because in the end, the heart wants what it wants, no matter how hard you try to deny it.

Just like last night, I didn't want to let you go tonight. I really wanted you to stay. I wouldn't have minded even if I had to sleep on the cold floor with my AC blasting at 16'C all night.

All You Have To Do Is Ask

Leaving you is never easy, especially when you're all alone in a strange place.

If you had asked, I would have. Because I really wanted to.

Maybe We're All in Denial

Why do you ask questions that you already have answers for?

Do you seek validation, or are you really so helpless that you can't even help yourself?

Is she really that important that you can't stand to lose her, so you choose to lose your sense and sensibility, and perhaps, risk losing me too?

Or maybe I should just accept the possibility that I'm really not that important after all.

Jekyll and Hyde

It's interesting to see how you get all up in arms over an SMS notification function, fight tooth and nail over it because it's your rightful entitlement.

Yet you let her push you around, dictate your every move, repeat empty promises even thought deep down you know she will never change for you. And all you can muster are silence and tears.

Where is that stoicism I see now, every time she makes you cry? Where is that fighting spirit, every time she puts you down in front of others? Are you not entitled to happiness? Or are you too weak to fight tooth and nail to stake your claim to what should rightfully be yours - freedom, comfort, choice and support?

Still

Tired, but still waiting. Anxious, but still hoping. Miss you, am still missing you.

Miss You More

I wish the weekend never ended.

Watching a dopey No-Name watching a very dopey me, I didn't think it would be possible to miss her so. Yet here we are, unmoved in our state of withdrawal.

Poor NoMo (ok this is a better temp name than No-Name), I wish I didn't have to send you back up there again :( OK if you promise you will behave and don't bully Mimi, I promise I will let you sleep on the comfy bed, like how you were blissfully dozing away with her that day.

How Can I Be Happy For You

How can I be happy for you,
If all I see is you forgoing all that matters.
Waiting is all you do,
Talking is all she musters.

How can I be happy for you,
When all I see is history repeating itself.
Crying, arguing, provoking and threatening.
Anything but loving yourself.

I don't know how to be happy for you,
When you tell me things I already knew.
I just know you can be happy with me,
But this you already knew.

So don't ask me why I can't be happy for you,
It hurts when I see what she puts you through.
All I can do is stand by you,
Be there when you finally see this through.

Hope in time

I can't make you want what I want for you. And I will never understand why you want what you want now. I just hope you are happy with what you have now. I really do.

As for me, I just hope that in time, I will find at least some of the answers.

Just. Miss. You.

Missed you today. Waited to see you. Saw you. Wanted to nudge you. Then you were gone.

So now I'm back to missing you and waiting for another day.

Rules For Suckers

I did not wait 3 days to hear you tell me what she wants. I did not wait 3 days to hear you tell me what you can't do because of her rules.

I want you to start telling me what you want for yourself. If you want me around, then don't give me rules like she's giving them to you. If you want to talk, then we talk, no restrictions. I'm not her. I don't want to be like her. I never liked the way she treats you, and that is why I need you to break free from them. I don't know about you, but those rules look like they're suffocating you, and honestly, I hate what she is putting you and I through.

But if you can't break free and thinks you want to be treated so, then I guess let's all do what she wants.

Got Yours?

iP4! I know at least someone's happy. It shall be my turn to be happy tomorrow, even if it means trampling over another human being.

Did you...

...get the phone? I'm gonna go have a look at it tomorrow. Can't believe I'm turning into one of them fanatics!

Again

Missing you already. Again. If only you knew what I wish for you.

Logic Defying Logic

Perhaps the only logic to explain all this mess is that logic is relative. What seem like common sense to some, may appear to be twisted logic to others. What I saw were possibilities; what she saw were uncertainties. While I think she is subjecting herself to cruelty and imprisonment, she considers it loyalty and commitment.

I'd like to think that for the last 9 months, I gave her commitment, happiness and assurance. Not sure what she thinks though (hopefully "stalking" is not one of them!). Maybe I never will.

Dead and Gone

Like all things that live and breathe for life and love, it starts to fade and die the moment you decided not to let it live. On its own, it will never survive the trials and cruelty of reality.

When it all happened at the start of this year, all Max was trying to do was to reach out to a budding friendship because she saw in it something special and mutual. Contrary to your believes, it did not fade like a fanciful whim. Because in spite of your skepticism, you too saw something special. And because you both let it grow, it not only grew. It blossomed, into something that's all-embracing, understanding and deeper. There were obstacles along the way, times when you both wanted to walk away and let it wilt. But somehow, that special something kept you grounded. And Max never gave up because she believed. If only you have the same resolve as she had, because what she saw was just the tip of an iceberg filled with promises and happiness, dreams and acceptance, potential and love. If only you have the same faith that she had, because you have to believe that you can make it happen. And if only you have held onto your promises, like she had.

I don't know what was it that you have, or don't have, with your current partner that made you look elsewhere and found Max. I'm not sure what were you unhappy with, that drove you to Max so quickly and hung on for so long. And it is beyond me why, after having a glimpse of a future that is so promising, you gave up on a chance to make it grow even further and instead decided that, after all this time, all the pain and tears, square one is what you wanted after all.

So, just like you said, now this special something will fade and die, but only because you want it to. Max really wanted it to grow but it's painfully stark that she could no longer hold onto it alone. To watch it all returned by you so that it would fade and die in her hands, you have dealt her the cruelest blow. Perhaps that's why Max did the only thing she knew to let go - be dead and gone with it all.

Don't Know Why

Someday time will wash away all this heartbreak. But right now,I just don't know how to let go. So maybe I'll just hang onto it. Call it false hope or naive denial, I just don't know how to stop caring and missing, and no amount of alcohol nor cigs can help. I found that out the painful way.

Behind These Eyes

I know you're still reading. Like me, I know you still want to care. And, to me, that's heart-breaking, standing and watching from a distance, thinking about what could have been.

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry

- Kelly Clarkson, Behind These Hazel Eyes

Unwanted

For the last 9 months, I have done all that you ask of me, took you into my life, lived through all your pain and sorrows, provided you comfort when she doesn't know how, cheered you on in every challenge, cherished every moment we shared, even the ones with us sleeping with earphones on. All I ask is that you find a place in your life for me, and for the last 9 months, you did.

But in your eagerness to please her, your "need" to be with her, you reduce me to nothing more than a doormat that you can easily discard of when it inconveniences you. Suddenly, I am not so important anymore and since you're playing by her rules, you subject me to them as well, despite my vehement protest.

Last night when you told me your decision, it felt as if the past 9 months mean nothing to you. If you really mean what you said, that you care and you thought about the options, did you ever stop and think about what you are doing to me, leading me on for the last 9 months, injecting all sorts of ideas that led me to making all kinds of plans for when you are in KL? All the places that you wanted me to take you. All the vacations and new places that you wanted to go see with me. She may be your past and present, but I think I could have been your future. I certainly think you could have been mine. And just like that, it all went up in smoke.

But if this is your choice, if this is the brand of happiness that you want to pursue with her, I can't stop what you want, if this is REALLY what you want for yourself in the long run. I guess I have to accept that, I can never be her. You have all this history with her, I get that. But what I have with you, I know she can never provide you. She can never be me. 9 months may not compare to 5 years, but it could have been one hell of a start to something scary, exciting and fulfilling all at once. But I guess you don't want it. And now I have to stop wanting it too because it hurts too much to think about how it used to be exactly what we both wanted.

In the Name of God

NYC Islamic Center. Christians wanting to burn the Quran. A lot of people claiming a lot of things in the name of God. A lot of people making their stands and drawing a precarious line along a growing divide. Right along the Ramandan month. Could the world be on a collision course?

God help us all.

I Hope You Will

Somebody once told me - it is the choices we make that defines us.

I guess in this case, we all need to make a decision, either to salvage what's in our hands, or walk away to mend our wounds. I wish I can will her to make a decision where we can meet each other halfway. But then again, "will" is the operative word here.

It is clear, what is willing me on for the last 9 months. While I'm proud of my determination, I do wonder if it is wise, because I'm counting on her will as much as mine. Nobody likes to battle his or her own demons alone, and while sometimes that's what we have to do, it sure makes the ordeal so much less daunting knowing that someone is at the other end of the journey, waiting with a warm blanket. On days when I think I have lost all will - especially days when she scares the hell out of me with the things she says she will do, or won't do for that matter - something in me pulls me back from the brink. And it has been one hell of a roller-coaster ride, not that I'm a fan of it, literally and figuratively speaking.

So perhaps it is that "something" that's telling me now that I should continue to hold on. I think I have said all that I needed to say, done all that I needed to do, to prove my candor and sincerity to take a leap of faith. There are still so many questions, so much more to discover, and all that's left for me to do now is wait - and hope - for one chance. One chance to take this leap of faith with her. For all the knowns and unknowns, while it is the unknown that scares me, it is the knowns that makes me want to believe that we can make one hell of a journey out of this rocky start.

So if you are reading this, I hope that your "will" will breakthrough. And when you emerge, I hope that it is I that you will embrace.

I don't know what I want. I know what I don't want

I shall refrain from commenting about all that's happening. Suffice to say I'm thrown, because it should have been so simple.

Monday Blues

Should have seen the smile on my face when I got her call last night. She's back, yet I still miss her.

Should see the dopey look in my eyes now.

Day 3

Spent the whole day trying not to think. Alas, it didn't work. Spent the whole day at a place full of people so I won't feel so alone. That didn't work too well either.

Did you have fun?

Sleepless in KL

I don't know if it's even in your mind at all
It could be me
At this moment in time
Is it in your mind at all
It should be me, it could be me....

- Simply Red, Sunrise

Day 2

Mind still racing. Heart still breaking. Eyes can't stop looking at my phone. I don't even know why, she already said she wasn't gonna call. I just know I miss her like crazy. Knowing she could be 20 minutes away doesn't help either.

Day 1

Mind can't stop racing. Heart won't stop breaking. This sucks. Fucking sucks.

Longest Weekend

I already miss you.

Crestfallen

Bad. Very bad. I'm so beside myself now I don't even know what to say to her.

Had we but world enough, and time...

Suddenly, this seems very appropriate and relevant. Is it by fate, or pure stroke of coincidence, that this is one of your favorites too?

To his Coy Mistress
by Andrew Marvell

Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, lady, were no crime.
We would sit down and think which way
To walk, and pass our long love's day;
Thou by the Indian Ganges' side
Shouldst rubies find; I by the tide
Of Humber would complain. I would
Love you ten years before the Flood;
And you should, if you please, refuse
Till the conversion of the Jews.
My vegetable love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow.
An hundred years should go to praise
Thine eyes, and on thy forehead gaze;
Two hundred to adore each breast,
But thirty thousand to the rest;
An age at least to every part,
And the last age should show your heart.
For, lady, you deserve this state,
Nor would I love at lower rate.

But at my back I always hear
Time's winged chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Thy beauty shall no more be found,
Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound
My echoing song; then worms shall try
That long preserv'd virginity,
And your quaint honour turn to dust,
And into ashes all my lust.
The grave's a fine and private place,
But none I think do there embrace.

Now therefore, while the youthful hue
Sits on thy skin like morning dew,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires,
Now let us sport us while we may;
And now, like am'rous birds of prey,
Rather at once our time devour,
Than languish in his slow-chapp'd power.
Let us roll all our strength, and all
Our sweetness, up into one ball;
And tear our pleasures with rough strife
Thorough the iron gates of life.
Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.

Mindless Sinking

4pm in the afternoon and I wonder what she's doing. Wait. Maybe I don't. Not when she's with that person.

I never knew missing someone can feel so bittersweet and heartbreaking at the same time. Like a haunting tune, my mind keeps returning to Saturday morning, being there with her, that privileged sense of understanding and belonging that was exclusive to just the two of us. It felt warm and unbreakable. Yet now, she feels like a million miles away, and my only hope is that she misses me, even if it's just a fraction of how I'm missing her now. Then comes the heartbreaking part, the part where my mind returns to present reality. A reality that never stops reminding me that someone else is holding her, sharing a privileged moment with her.

And then, that familiar sinking feeling takes over. A familiar torture that I can never get used to nor be rid of. Sinking.... Slowly sinking. Suffocatingly sinking. Hopelessly sinking.

Mindless

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Choices

In spite of all the pain, uncertainty, wishful thinking and soul searching, I know I'm gonna have to accept that, come what may, there is no right or wrong. It's simply a choice I make. And if shit hits the fan, those who are still there, not to offer advice but simply their hand, are the real friends.

And right now, I know that my choice to wait is all mine. And I have to accept that, along with all the consequences, good or bad. I just pray that it's more good than bad.

And yes, I really do think too much for my own good.

So much for my weekend wishlist

I wish you don't have to see her again tomorrow. I wish she won't come to KL with you. I wish I'm the one eating fish cordon bleu with you. I wish it won't suck so much everytime just sitting here missing you while trying not to think about her being around you. I wish I'm not sitting here wishfully thinking about doing the things we say we want to do together but never did. I wish all my plans for you are not just plans. I wish life isn't unfair that, for all our discussions and planning about how you're going to get your life started in KL, I have stand aside in silence and watch while she, not I, will be the one by your side to see it all fall into place for you. I wish I'm the one right there with you when you finally found your second home in KL. I wish it's easier. I wish I can shut my mind off and don't think so much, so that it hurts less. I wish all that beer and cigs would help me get distracted better. And you wondered why I have to go out? Because it beats sitting around just thinking. Because the more I think, the more I want. The more I want, the more I know what I cannot get. The more I know, the more I withdraw.

So what if I say what I need to say? Will it make this aching pain go away? No. Does it make me miss you less? No. Does it explain what I am going through? Nowhere near what I wish you know.

Apples

So this is how it feels like, waiting for apples.

Duckie

A floating duck. What kind of person would use such a nickname? The adorable kind that gets you all omg-I-wanna-bear-hug-you giddy.

And what is cuter? A floating snoozing duck... zzzzzzz....

Weekend Wishlist

The week is almost up and the long weekend beckons. Guess it wasn't as bad as I thought it could have been - I still have my job and in full control of all my mental faculties - although there is still room for improvement. So excuse me while I get a little greedy and indulge in a little wishful thinking, i.e. top 5 things that can really top off the week:

5. Charitable donations or free meals - to compensate for a very very unlucky visit by yours truly to deposit an involuntary donation with the Sepang City Council.
4. Full body massage. It's been a long while since my last prolonged migraine attack. My head is still buzzing but I am starting to feel the last painkiller kicking in. But yeah, what I wouldn't give for a massage right now!
3. Score myself a free Turnitin user account, because I cannot for the life of me think of any other way she is accessing it.
2. To finally crack the trick she's been using to "hide" from my blog counter. Can't believe I'm being out-smarted by a non-IT professional!
1. Dinner, pool and perhaps karaoke again with her this weekend. And if I get to finally hold her hand, I'm ready to die and go to heaven already.

Wishing You'll Be Here

I'm sorry. I'm just jealous but I should be more supportive. Therefore I'm gonna try not to think too much. Good thing she can't see me and my dopey eyes.

*Deep breath* Must... stay... cool....

Back to School

Lessons of the Day:

1. It's ok to give apples as long as you don't expect apples in return. Some people may give you oranges, others langsat. Some might even run away with your apples without as much as a thank you. And then there are those who will give you apples too, when they're ready. Or when you least expect it.

2. Sometimes there really IS no answer to even the simplest questions. Repeatedly asking it in different ways won't magically conjure the perfect answers out of thin air. Generous use of profanity doesn't help either.

3. When the opportunity presents itself, shut up and listen. Not just listen, but really comprehend every single word, punctuation and perspective.

4. When you want something badly, try wanting it quietly and patiently. It's never a God given right to get what you want all the time.

5. Not everyone runs at the same speed as you. Hell, some aren't even running with you. Deal with it.

Was thinking about this the whole day, and Joyce brought it all home to me during mamak. I have an ego problem that somehow incapacitate my ability to absorb advice. I cannot afford to keep repeating these mistakes - I'm hurting the people I love and care about. I definitely need to be more conscious about my thought process, and the words I choose to manifest them. Or not manifest anything at all. I need to be better than this.

I'm Sorry I'm an Idiot Who Can't Express Herself Intelligently

Not only have I lost my mind, I have now lost my sense.

I didn't think anything else would hurt more. But knowing that I have hurt her does. What was I thinking? I wasn't. I was too busy blabbering my mouth off and not checking my words.

The truth is, I just want to be with her so badly, but in my haste, I forced her to choose and pushed her too harshly when I have no right to. I should have been content because she's always said time is what she needs. I should have been more patient but instead now, I may have pushed her away and I have only myself to blame.

I am suppose to be there for her no matter what because I care. Because she's special. Because I want to. Because it makes her happy. Because I like it when it does. Because she's a part of my life. Because it's the best I can do for her.

Above all, it's because it's all I ever wanted.

P/S: Barely 6 hours gone and I'm already regretting my last post. I seriously need to control my emotions.

Fucked Up. Strung Out. Caving In.

Work: Not going anywhere. The same fucking mundane shit might finally hit the fan tomorrow. I don't know why I'm getting all stressed out. It's not like I cared before today. The worst that can happen is I'll just lose a job that I have long ago lost interest in.

Relationship: Non-existent. Convoluted. Trying too hard. Borderline insane. Take your pick. The one person I'm interested in (after 3 years of moving on) is available emotionally, but not physically nor mentally. Not complicated enough? Try this for size - the gf might actually move to KL to be with her too, in which case, my relationship status will be permanently non-existent. When she told me she's excited about it, I almost stabbed myself with a pencil. It certainly felt like I was.

Personal Life: Suffocating. The Bukit Gasing room really hit it home for me. Now I find myself envious of a gay couple who found the courage and companionship to settle down in a home they can truly call their own.

Frame of mind: See Relationship.

I'm such a defeatist right now I can't fucking stand myself. All this self-pity, self-loathing shit makes me wanna fucking puke all over myself, even if it's to wake myself up from one stark reality to another. I know I'll probably read this fan-fucking-tastic post later and hate/regret every single word I wrote but, fuck me, this is my blog and I can fucking deface it with any fucking miserable rant, because it's fucking mine.

This is shaping up to be a bad week.

Forward unto the Unknown

Living in the here and now. That's what we're doing now. Not knowing where we're heading, what lies ahead or how deep this is gonna go.

Somedays I wish there is some magical crystal ball that will show me. Other days I'm just throwing caution to the wind and living one day at a time in this uncharted territory. And then, there are days when I'm just weary, when the fear of the unknown whirls my head into overdrive.

Yeah, maybe I just need to chill and stop being such a Capricorn about this.

Green Beans and Finger Tips

Even though it's been 2 weeks, I still get that same indescribable feeling I felt looking at her that night. If only I had just reached over to her hand when I had the chance. Instead all I got were her fingers tips.

Must be bolder next time, and aim for more than just hands, even at the risk of embarrassment. Mmm I just remembered - she knows Taekwondo. OK may need to revise strategy to minimize bodily harm too.

But for now, I'm just going to lull myself to sleep with thoughts of the way she make me feel - just there next to me, picking out green beans out of the muruku bowl and giving them all to me, while I happily gobbled them up, even though I don't really fancy them.

My Plea

My heart broke into a million pieces hearing you say those words. I have been waiting for you for so long, please don't give up now? I have planned all these things that we can do together when you're here, to help you settle down. I have been looking forward to this, please don't walk away now? I have been searching and there is nothing I wouldn't do to ease your anxiety, but I guess if you don't want it bad enough and you want me to stop, it's not really up to me, is it?

If you're not here, I just don't know what's going to happen to us. If you're not here, maybe it will be the end of all my hopes. Hopes of a new beginning. Hopes of us. Maybe that's why right now, I'm inconsolable.

Please take those words back? Please tell me you're just frustrated and you didn't mean what you said? Please tell me you still believe? Please tell me you still have your reasons to want to come here, and that I'm one of them? Please tell me your future is here, here in KL? Here with me? I promise I'll do anything you ask. Please?

Rollercoaster

Somedays I think I can. Other days, I can't. But most days, I just miss her a lot.

No matter how you try to dissect and analyze every fact and possibility, in the end, the heart wants what it wants. Logic simply has no place when it comes to matters of the heart. I don't know why I feel this way; I just know I do. I don't know what compels me to want to be with her; I just know it feels right. I don't know why I can't stop hoping; I just know we both need more time. I don't know why sometimes I try so hard; I just know I can't give up. I don't know why it's so complicated; I wish there's a simpler way. I don't know how this is gonna turn out; I just hope I'm ready come what may.

I thought you thought we thought

I came straight home to be with you because you told me you missed me. It's OK if you no longer need me by then, or too tired to wanna hang around anymore. But at least tell me, don't just leave without saying a word. I can't read minds. And I don't expect you to read mine because half the time you assume wrong.

Question Time

If someone you love demeans you and hurt your feelings, do you try to forget about it the next day, and let that person sleep with you as if nothing happened?

All I Need Now

Just show me that you want me as badly as I want you. I promise I will wait. Wait for the day when I'll finally hold you in my arms and feel the warmth of your skin against mine, kiss and cuddle you for real like the way I imagine it, beyond all the words and emoticons, earphones and text messages.

Just show me, tell me, make me believe. Please?

Leave. Stay.

Wake up Max, she'll never leave her. And accept the fact that maybe you're just not cut out to be Ross.

So you better decide if you wanna be the fool who waits infinitely. Or sober up and move on.

I want. But I can't

I can't make you feel what you are not ready to feel.

I can't make change the way you think if you're not ready for change.

I can't help you decide on things that you are not willing to let go.

All I can do is give you all my apples and wait, and hope that one day you will finally accept them, and is ready to give too. Sure, it hurts, but for now I can only give you what you want and ask for nothing in return, until you are ready.

Attracted

Yes, I am attracted. In every sense of the word.

Taken

Just when I thought it's not possible to miss her more, I am now.

Echoes of her laughter. Images of her smile. I wonder if she has any idea how I'm totally taken by her playfulness, and those fleeting moments when our eyes met. Warm, fuzzy, bittersweet surrender - I'm free falling.

Aug 6th & 7th

:)

Quid pro quo

Hey Logic, been a while.

Mmm hmm, you seem calm today.

Seem being the operative word.

So you're not?

For now, I guess I am. But you know how quickly things can change. Or oscillate.

Oh no, are we gonna discuss your uncontrollable feelings again?

Don't mock me.

Just pointing out the obvious. You are becoming more and more predictable.

That's good, right? At least I'm setting correct expectations.

Yea, if you think boring is good. And frankly speaking, lately all you ever do is complain about your psychological well being. Sien!

Well I am trying very hard to distract myself, but nothing seem to work anymore.

Once a Capricorn, always a Capricorn. You need to stop being so defensive as well.

I didn't know being defensive is a Capricorn trait...

OK it's definitely a Max trait. Not very sexy trait wei.

And being logical is?

Hey at least I get things done. Now that is a universally appealing quality!

Aren't we a little cocky today.

Ah so you're beginning to get it.

Ooh.... Clever. Very clever.

Seriously. A few months ago we wouldn't be having this conversation. Or ANY conversation!

I'm too used to getting what I want. Most of the time anyway. Perhaps I was over confident, and when things don't go my way, I fall flat down to earth.

It's not as bad as you think, if it still feels good doing what you are doing.

How can being sad half the time feel good at all?

Well you said it - half the time. The other half of the time, you are happy... enough, no?

*Smile*

*Smile*

I almost forgot how that feels like.

What, being happy?

Being at ease with doing what I want.

Just gotta believe, and understand that there is no fault in trying. It's even okay to cry sometimes. Just umm not all the time la. Crying, now THAT's definitely not sexy.

Hey I can't help it if I'm in touch with my feelings!

Yeah so in touch until you are out of touch with your reality and self-awareness? Nobody likes a crybaby. You of all people should know.

Fine I'll cry when no one's looking.

But I'll be.

Then I guess I'll need you to slap my senses awake.

You know I'm not going anywhere.

Really. What took you so long this time?

I've been here all along. You just didn't want to see me. All your attention seem to be on someone else though.

Make no mistake, it still is.

Nothing wrong with that. Just go easy on yourself and stop questioning your motives. If you already decided that it is what you want and it is the right thing to do, then do it like you believe in it.

Hmm... maybe YOU should ask her out on a date instead.

You think?

Who knows, right?

*Nod*

*Nod*

Raw

It should be made a crime that something so illogical can feel so intense and hurt this much.

Snap out of it, Max, and accept the fact that, more often than not, you don't get what you want all the time. Give and take is overrated. Just be grateful that you can still give.

And you need to stop asking why, because sometimes there simply are no answers. Or just answers that you already know.

Mind Warp

Spent the whole afternoon thinking, pining, missing. Willing myself to no avail to stop this burning ache fueled by an incessant bout of wishful thinking.

None of this makes sense. All I can do is just stare at the offline status, and think some more. Like nursing an open wound, I went from racing thoughts of what-ifs to silent gasps of agony. There are so many things I want to tell you, scripted and rehearsed countless times in my head. But I can't. So it's all input and conjecture now; no output, no logic, no aim. The mind races forward....

Right now it's just numb. Maybe the mind has finally short-circuited. Or just suspended in a temporary state of vacuum until it connects itself with the next wave of input and sensory overload.

A knife or ten thousand spoons

All week I thought I was just numb and tired. Now I know I'm just a mess. Last night the searing pain just wouldn't go away. As I sat helplessly staring at the status message that I don't want to see, the pain multiplied as the tears fell. I almost did I was not suppose to do, pick up the phone and call. I wish I was drunk, so I would have at least one lame excuse to break my promise.

Now all I wish is that my heart would just stop beating so this crushing pain that's suffocating me inside would stop too.

Guess my rock bottom is still nowhere in sight. I need to stop this free falling soon because I'm losing myself so fast I don't even understand myself anymore, much less others. The more I try the more I regress. The more I regress the less I understand. The less I understand the more I sink. The more I sink the more struggle. The more I struggle the more I fall.

I am Mark

Don't know why but today, of all days, I feel like Mark from the movie Love Actually. If only I can show up at your door with placards to show you how I feel.

I really miss you.

Serial Hermit

It's official. I have finally retreated back to my shell again.

After a discussion with Joyce (whom by the way I'm glad is back because I think it will be a better deal for her to stay here), it is confirmed that I am a serial hermit, a hibernating creature that comes out for an extended period of time, be brave enough to venture out of her comfort zone, takes in the sights, then decides she doesn't like what she sees, scurries back into her hole for as long as she needs to recover from the shock of disappointment and crushed hopes.

Along the years, I think this - for the lack of a better word - behavior has thrown off quite a few people. Most of them would just leave me alone and allow me the space to recover and then resurface. But a friend's reaction last night threw me off when she began chastising my inability to confront my stark reality as cowardice unworthy of her friendship. "Not friend material."

WTF?

Since when is the suffering of heartbreak the basis for friendship degradation? Is my recluse so terminal that my friend has finally had enough and is throwing in the towel in frustration because she has offered all her wisdom and can no longer tolerate my inability to apply them as panacea? Or is my bid for solitude a sign of betrayal to her patience? Or do I just dismiss this as another one of those clingy friends that has come and gone over the years? Just because I give you the time and day every week, does it now mean that I'm obligated to continue to give you the time and day too, even when my heart is not up for it? Is it not okay for me to not air my personal laundry to you anymore just to spare me the same sermon that I'm sure you're quite tired of giving?

It's not by choice that I've become what I have become now, and to be branded as not friendship material is an unkind retort, especially coming from a person whom I honestly thought would understand rather than just shove her philosophy down my throat. In a way, empathy is overrated. I'm in a pit of shit trying to climb my way out, and you want to merajuk now, really? REALLY? All of a sudden, staying in that pit isn't such a bad prospect after all, even if it is to escape drama that I frankly can do without now.

I can't help but wonder if it is scenarios such as this that reinforce my defense mechanism every time I crash and burn. Whatever it may be, I just do not have the emotional capacity now to deal with anyone's feelings because I'm having trouble dealing with my own.

Story of my life so far

Epitome of letting go, or trying to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWcuQpnT9kg

Undeniable

You and I, we have a connection. The kind that keeps me coming back. The kind that wouldn't let me forget. The kind that makes me yearn.

Maybe you're right, that I don't really care. That it is only infatuation, a crush. Maybe I'm trying too hard to validate what's going through my head every time I think of you, every time I miss you.

Maybe I'm right too, for wanting to believe that there is something deeper. That it is more complicated than just an instinctive need to reach out to make sense of that connection. To be able to cuddle you and feel the warmth of your body. To look into your eyes when you laugh at my lame jokes. To see that smirk on your lips when you're winning an argument instead of just hearing it. To feel the length of your hair instead of just imagining it. To make it all real.

Maybe we're both right, that we're struggling to quantify this undeniable feeling, and desperately trying to reconcile our emotions with logic, because it's all too surreal that something so intangible can become this invincible link that wouldn't let us go.

This connection, between you and I. It is the very kind that I never thought possible. Raw, strong and sometimes scary, we both never saw it coming. But I see now what it means to take risks and fight for what my heart wants. And all at once, the unknown and untested are exactly what I'm fighting for and against at the same time. All of a sudden, the unknown and untested are exactly what's driving me into uncharted territory. A realm of infinite possibilities, where you could be my friend or foe, an unequal partner or uncompromising rival.

So here we are now, 6 months after that one night when 2 individuals reached out to make a connection that has sparked off all these possibilities. You may say that I don't care about you, but you can't deny that I care about the outcome of us.

Ride of my life

Went with mom to visit an aunt at an old folks nursery centre. She's still healthy for an 80-plus-year-old, except for a failing memory. She could still recognize my mom. Not sure who she thinks I am though, whom she kept referring to as "this kid who has really grown much taller". Flattering remark really, considering how I have stopped growing vertically 20 years ago!

When we got home this evening, mom received a call from JB. Uncle #3, who turned 60 early this year but has been fighting cancer, has been warded again. This time it doesn't look good. The doctor has given the advice everyone expected but didn't want to hear - they can't give him anymore treatment, just be prepared.

All these suddenly hit me with a moment of sobriety. Life is too short. It doesn't matter if you live to 30 or 100, there will never be enough time to fulfill all your desires or live out your dreams, to undo all your regrets or atone for lost time and opportunity. Life will always be a constant struggle, a never-ending series of hills and valleys. Just when you think you have reached the top and conquered a hill, down you go again to climb the next.

Maybe life isn't about fighting one monumental roller coaster ride, but about keeping a tally of how many you went through and survive.

I wonder how many more lies ahead of mine.

Finding my next distraction

Just one more week of world cup football. After that it's back to numb mode. I need to find my next distraction.

In other slightly related news, people have been commenting that I have lost a lot of weight and curious to know my secret. And all I can offer is a smile and standard Malaysia response, "Yes meh?", while thinking to myself "No you don't wanna know".

Work in progress

Finally got my haircut. But apart from that, nothing has changed. Still using same crappy phone. Still the same job which I'll probably stay on for a while. Still sleeping late and waking up later. Still can't stop staring at that online status.

A very dear friend told me that I shouldn't feel stupid for the way I feel, for simply being an actual living breathing human being. Feel angry, confused, in-love, whatever. Just don't feel stupid. If you want something, and you are prepared to fight for it, then you need to be prepared to get hurt. That's the risk for wanting. And living.

And then there is also something I have not thought about. If I care for her like I claim to be, I need to respect her too. Respect her confusion and honesty. Respect her decision. Respect her freedom to choose. And even her fears.

And I should stop being such a pleaser and start believing in what I truly stand for.

I guess I should start somewhere, not by forgiving or forgetting or beating myself up over questions which I will not have answers for, but by believing again.

Insomnia

Great. Just great. Something which should only take 10 minutes to setup is taking me the entire night! I guess when things are free, they're not entirely "free"....

Where is my rock bottom?

So close and yet so far, and all I can do is stare.

All the things that we used to be able to do every night, but all I can do now is stare, because I can't do anything else. I want to, but I'm not allowed to.

I'm angry at myself for feeling so helpless and pathetic. The mind is screaming for me to move on already, yet I can't even bring myself to look away.

No footy tonight, so looks like it's gonna be a long night. Time for another cig.

Change

I need to change:

1. My phone. Freezes almost every other day - it can't be good. Got too much stuff/junk on it to do a hard reset; haven't got enough money to get yet another new phone while I wait for the iPhone. Mmm on second thought, maybe I won't wait for the iPhone. More on that later.

2. My job. The pressure is really getting to me. Well actually the pressure already got to me since late last year, reinforced by recent events. I'm just not a great people person. I'd rather drink cough medicine than make small talk at company dinners. Been told I get frazzled easily and make emotional decisions, which goes against my OCD and need for order and logic, which makes me even more emo... well, you get the picture. This potential new role, albeit a much more low profile one, might not be a bad idea. Who knows where I might end up. We'll see what happens in my second interview.

3. My sleeping patterns. All this staying up late is really messing up my mental health and ability to engage in what the general population would consider as acceptable social life. I really need to stop working from home this much. Maybe subconsciously I'm setting myself up to get fired. Or maybe I really am tired. Tired of everything.

4. My hair. Not really. I just need to cut it. It now looks like a raccoon is permanently hibernating on my head - one with a lot of grey hair too. I actually timed myself; I now need an extra 5 minutes every morning (well, on morning's when I do need to step out of the house) to make it presentable without it looking like one of those Korean boy bands' current hairstyle of choice. Or Justin Bieber's. Yuck. I'd rather make small talk than walk around looking like that.

I know I have a few more but can't for the life of me remember what they are now. Better sleep if I'm to wake up early tomorrow and haul my ass to the office. To be continued later... if I can remember my list.

Missing.

Watching something else tonight instead of football.

Available. Away. Available. Offline. Available. Available. Available....

Funny how everything was so different less than 2 weeks ago. I miss how everything felt so different less than 2 weeks ago.

40 winks

Which is worse: up all night talking, or watching football? At least the latter is numbing my senses and making me want to sleep more. Not sure if it's a good thing though, being in a constant state of semi-consciousness and living vicariously off a temporary means of distraction.

Hmm isn't this what addicts go through, from one withdrawal to another? I'll sleep on that.

I'm in a relationship with the wrong label

Ponder this, bearing in mind that Dufus here claims she is a 40-year-old English tutor, so either she tutors sakai kindergarteners or she's bloody lying. Another reason why I'm never having kids; you just never know.

Dufus: I'm pretty confused with my love life.

Me: Why?

D: I'm attached and living with my gf.

M: And how is that confusing to you?

D: Well, she's andro. And I have a soft spot for femmes.

M: Wait, now I'M confused. If you love your gf, that shouldn't matter. I mean, you haven't done anything crazy, have you?

D: Well I strayed. Had an affair with a femme a couple of months ago.

M: Then maybe it's time to ask yourself how much you love your gf.... wait... are you suggesting that, if you are attached to a femme, this will solve your problem?

D: I don't know la Max, I'm confused.

This is where I begin to regret telling her my name.

M: No offense, but I think it's bs. Are you blaming your problems on the fact that your better half is NOT a femme?

D: I guess so.

Trying hard to contain bewilderment and urge to launch into profanity-laced lecture.

M: You do realize that makes you an arsehole?

D: Why?

REALLY trying hard to contain urge to verbally abuse this douchebag.

M: You're blaming your infidelity on your better half!

D: Is it?

REALLY REALLY trying hard not to physically abuse this douchebag.

M: Consider this - if your better half tells you today that she doesn't love you anymore because you're too butch and she likes femmes, do you think she's perfectly within her rights to blame it all on you?

D: Yea. But I think I get what you mean.

Mentally visualizing self kungfu-kicking this douchebag.

M: Wow this is almost like saying "hey I don't want to be your friend because you're Chinese"! Just admit it - you're not in love with your better half and is just attracted to someone new.

D: I don't know. She is really good to me.

M: You don't marry everyone who's good to you, do you?

D: She loves and cares for me a lot.

Clutching white knuckles.

M: You don't marry everyone who's good to you, do you?

D: She changed her life to be with me, I can't let her down. That's why I'm sticking with her.

M: Then yeah, you're definitely an arsehole LOL. Sorry no offense but I really don't like cheaters.

D: Oh, c'mon. You're a butch too. I'm sure you will be tempted if a femme comes along.

M: I can say proudly, that, I have never swayed nor be tempted by anyone else while I was attached to my ex's. Besides, how is that even relevant? If you love someone, you are committed, regardless of whoever comes in or out of your life. If you are not committed, then you need to be honest and tell her instead of lying to yourself with all that obligatory bullshit. I'm sorry if I'm being too blunt abt this, given that I've just come off a not-so-great experience.

D: I understand.

M: I know it's not easy but I think your gf will appreciate if you are honest and tell her your feelings have changed, rather than force yourself to be with her.

D: But I do love her.

M: You may love someone, but it doesn't mean you are IN love anymore.

D: I know she can't live without me, she really loves me a lot.

M: So will that stop you from straying again?

D: Each time I say I want to leave her, she goes berserk.

M: Then tell her how you feel and what you are going thru. If she accepts it, then fine.

D: She knows about my affairs and other women in my life, but she says that she wants to wait till I change my ways.

Other women?!

M: Oh ok, then all the best of luck to the both of you.

At this point I have lost all will to listen and interest to talk to her.

M: Hey I gotta go. Footy match starting soon.

D: Hey, thanks for your attention.

Err you're not welcome?

M: Thanks fo putting up with my acid tongue lol.

D: You still dislike me?

WTF?!

M: LOL I don't feel any which way abt you.

D: Can we be buddies?

HELL NO!

M: We can catch up and chat again if we see each other online, how's that for a start?

D: Sounds good. I know I'm a cheater, but don't hate me, ok?

Imagine the most flabbergasted facial expression on a face that's banging on the table now.

M: I think my opinions should be the least of your problems.

=====

Just another day at the amusingly fucked-up Fridea universe. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.

See through me

Now you see me. See right through me.

How does it feel to first hold someone's heart in your hands, and now get inside her mind too?

Who's playing games now?

3 prank calls in 2 days, with 1 same number calling both my phones. Coincidence? I think not.

She's lost the plot and her mind; well I lost mine too. Now even that paranoid girlfriend of hers has apparently lost it too.

Closure

And just like that, it's all over. She's out of my life, and now all I can do is just cry, asking God questions that I will probably never have answers for.

She's back with her gf, giving things another try, while I'm back to my old shell, still unsure what have I done wrong this time. I gave everything, even my most vulnerable secrets. And now I'm just empty. And alone.

This hurts so fucking much.

The End

So this is what trying and giving my all get me.

Utter disappointment and loss of self, dignity and will to give again. All I have now are questions and this vacuum in my heart. Questions that I probably will never have answers for, and a void in the heart that will never be filled for a long long time.

I cried myself to sleep last night, and I cried myself awake this morning. 5 minutes to go before my next work meeting and I'm still crying.

God, tell me, what do I do now? Everything I did, I did it for her, but all that isn't good enough, and isn't important anymore. I don't know where else to anchor all my hopes anymore.

I try to look ahead and I see nothing, except memories which used to fill me with warmth and hope but now do nothing more than choke me up, reducing me to a hollow shell with a well of tears and insufferable pain, a finality that all my dreams have now turned into my worst nightmare.

Giving in. Giving up.

Sometimes I feel like giving up. Like what Cille and Joyce have been saying, it all look so logically futile there really isn't anything that's worth holding onto.

Other times, like right now, I am just giving in. Giving into the idea that all this waiting and hoping is not in vain. I really want to believe that this isn't just another long meaningless journey, but instead God's plan that will, after tumbling through heartaches and disappointments, lead me to the kind of reprieve that I have for so long fight for. Is it possible to taste heartache while falling? Is it wisdom you need to earn so when you finally get there, you no longer take for granted what you have fought so hard for? As Aeschylus put it, we must always suffer for our wisdom, so we that learn and never repeat our mistakes?

Is giving in a mistake? If I give up now, will I be making a bigger mistake?

Stupify Me

Is it so wrong to want to belong, to be loved, to be wanted? When we are presented with the opportunity to do what we can vs what we want, what is THE RIGHT THING to do? Do we choose the path of the heart's desires and be true to ourselves, even though it may hurt others we love? Or do we choose the path of righteousness, forever hold our peace and hold back whatever feelings inside and chalk it up to mis-opportunity and bad timing?

You and I, we have a chance to be true to our feelings. But you, you choose righteousness. In your desire to be shoulder your responsibilities, do you realize you have recklessly mishandled my feelings? How many times have I caught you, unmoved from your safety zone but yet still yearning for what's outside. And you know, that all this time, I have been watching. Watching you. Waiting for you.

If you think that I think I'm trying to save you, then you're only half right. I'm trying to save myself too. This heart has been dragged through the mud countless times. And when we started what we started months ago, I know it is going to be another heart wrenching affair. But deep inside, something tells me that perhaps this time, the heart CAN want what it wants. Because all we are doing are just being true to our feelings, are we not? Time may punish fools who believe but patience is always rewarded, is it not? And maybe, just maybe, those unfriendly walls which has for so long swallowed up this yearning heart can finally be broken down. I had to believe.

So how come I feel like the loneliest person on earth today? Is it the deafening emptiness that's echoing within me now that you told me your philosophy of doing right by the book? Or you inability to bridge your own illusion with reality and insist that your hands are tied when it is all there in your hands but you choose the easy way out to just let it all go? Or is it the warm tears streaming down in spite of my heart breaking into pieces in the face of the resurrection of those cold walls of defense again?

You could have fixed me. We could have fixed each other.

But you choose do to what's right. So now your righteousness has left me stupefied in the depths of unfulfilled promises.

Who will save me now?

How is it possible for someone who was never mine to begin with have such an effect on me? My heart was filled with joy, small updates that I had waited all day to share with her, and with just those few words from her, I fell from contentment and flat on my face. Is it because I have given all I can and still it's never enough because the heart will always want what it wants? In this dark silence, I can hear my mind racing while my heart breaks into pieces. I have never wanted something this bad, and maybe this should be my lesson that I'm just not cut out for heartache of this kind, because it certainly hurts to feel so close yet so far. Perhaps lonely hearts are by nature selfish, because as soon as they find their anchor, you suddenly find yourself reduced to the role of an abandoned life jacket. I should have known better when I volunteer myself.

I am looking so hard answers now, yet all I see are unfulfilled promises and reminders of what could have been. I tried so hard to save her I couldn't even save myself. I don't even know how to pull myself up now from this sinking freefall.

I can't cry anymore. Either I'm too numb or my mind is subconsciously shutting down in its own attempt to save whatever shred of sanity I have left.

Well, it can't be numbness if it is hurting this badly.

Wishful Thinking

I wish I can get what I want all the time.

I wish I can will things to happen the way I want them to.

I wish I can stop obsessing over someone who may only be an illusion, a figment of my imagination.

I wish I can dream someone into life.

I wish I can wake up tomorrow and forget all this pain.

I wish I can go back to the time when I felt content.

I wish I can be at ease with myself again.

I wish I don't have to think or wish so much.

Stupify Me

When you want something that you cannot have, you will do anything, become anything.

I am officially a fool who believe. Faith is all I have now to suppress any fear that I am fighting so hard to keep at bay.

I really want to believe that time is on my side and all I need to do now is wait.

I really want this to be real, not just another bitter lesson.

I really want her. God please make it real.

I will do anything, become anything.

I'd say love was a magical thing
I'd say love would keep us from pain
Had I been there, had I been there

I would promise you all of my life
But to lose you would cut like a knife
So I don't dare, no I don't dare

Take me back in time maybe I can forget
Turn a different corner and we never would have met
Would you care?

I don't understand it, for you it's a breeze
Little by little, you've brought me to my knees
Don't you care?

And if all that there is, is this fear of being used
I should go back to being lonely and confused
If I could, I would, I swear

- George Michael, A Different Corner

Forgive or Forget

When it comes to letting go, which one comes first? Forgive or forget?

All week, all I can do is think. Then I stare and think some more. Sometimes I think I'm ready to forgive. Sometimes I wish I can just forget it all and walk away. And sometimes I actually miss her too.

Still none of this make sense to me. As illogical as it all seem to be, I know I need to rationalize it and work my way back to logic and sanity.

In this case, I wonder maybe it would make more sense to forget. Or at least, be distracted enough to not think about it on a daily basis.

Perhaps, when awashed by time, memories will fade and then finally the mind can let go. And then, forgiveness and absolution.

That's What You Did

The L Word, Season 2, Episode 2


Jenny: I like you very much.

Robin: Hmm, that's a very bad way to begin a conversation.

Jenny: Okay, I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to be married again.

Robin: Well Jen, I haven't asked you to marry me.

Jenny: Robin, it's so obvious to me that's what you want. And I kind of feel like... I don't know, that you set me up or something.

Robin: Oh, no, no, no. No, they leapt to that conclusion 'cause that's what they want for me. Ya know? You can't punish me just because my friends want me to find, you know, an equitable partner.

Jenny: Okay, I'm - I'm not trying to punish you. Look, Robin, I'm just realizing that, um, I need to... I - I just need to be alone right now.

Robin: Jen, you can have time alone. You don't have to be with me every second.

Jenny: Well, I've never really been on my own before... and... I think that I need to just... to feel scared.

Robin: Oh, there's nothing to be scared of. I - I'm not a scary person. I'm a loving -

Jenny: Oh Robin, come on. I mean I'm - I'm so - I'm terrified of being on my own. I just gotta make myself do it, Robin, and I can't - I can't distract myself by creating all this fucking labyrinth-like drama that I'm so good at creating and I promise you... that you do not want to get sucked into my fucking bullshit.

Robin: You know what? Don't. Okay? Don't - don't tell me what I want and don't want. I know what I fucking want.

Jenny: Okay, well I'm gonna speak for myself.

Robin: Please.

Jenny: This is uh - this is what I want.

Robin: I can't believe you're doing this. I... I can't go through this again.

Jenny: I don't know Robin, that's why I'm saying we should stop now before we actually go through anything.

Robin: So, um... you don't want to be in a relationship?

Jenny: No, I don't.

Robin: You just wanna entice people, sleep with people. Make them fall in love with you, so you can fuck with their heads.

Jenny: No, that's not what I want.

Robin: Well, that's what you did.


Until tonight, I couldn't figure out why I was so fucked up. Now I do.

That, my friend, is exactly what you did to me. And yeah, don't tell me what I want, what I can or cannot handle. I know what I fucking want.

Top 5 Lessons I Learned This Week To Prevent Future Heartbreaks

Top 5 Lessons I Learned This Week To Prevent Future Heartbreaks a.k.a Top 5 Dating Rules That Must Be Observed a.k.a. Top 5 Mistakes that Must Not Be Repeated to Prevent Permanent Heart Damage and Irreversible Psychological Paralysis:

1. Always keep an open mind - never start with a relationship in mind. You will likely to scare more people off than attract any. And quite frankly, you don't need a relationship right now. And you definitely are not in a hurry to make more friends because you're not too short on that. Besides, making friends is too easy but not the real purpose of your search, is it? Of course if you do, it's a big bonus.

2. When you have the chance to ask someone out, do it. Do not hesitate. Don't wait for them to become too comfortable with your friendship, cuz then they'll use that to say no and you are only making life harder for yourself.

3. Even if they say no, persistence is more important that you think. Do not overdo it so you become a pest. Instead continue your current course of action. Turn on your charm, nudge her bit by bit, especially when you know you have her full attention. Seriously, when a girl spends half her time talking to you, she IS into you and can be swayed.

4. It is OK to fuck someone first before you decide what you want to do next, because you will either make them fall in love with you or not. Simple as that. If things work out, great. If not, you can still be friends if she's open about it. Or screw it, you part company. Whichever way, you stand to gain more than you have to lose.

5. Never repeat the above 4 rules to whoever you are courting. To them, you should just be a friendly person who can turn into a potential date.

Tell me you like me
Then tell me you didn't mean it
Tell me you don't want to be
Then tell me you are so happy you finally got it
Tell me you are sorry I've been misled
Then tell me it's all in my head

Don't tell me you don't want to be
Like you know what's best for me
Don't tell you are not ready
Then tell me you want to be taken seriously
Don't tell me you are sorry
Then ask if I'm happy

Yesterday your words mean something
Today they mean nothing
Yesterday all your wisdom were your truths
Today all your lies become your truths

I'm everything you want
I'm everything you need
I'm everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you
And I don't know why

- Vertical Horizon

I'm done crying.

I'm done being nice.

I don't think I'm quite ready to be open and everyone's good friend.

Look what nice and friendly got me. In a brutal world where people, more often than not, don't really know what they want and don't always say what they mean, being cold and reclusive is the only defense I know.

Sorry God, for being angry with you. I'd still like to think that, somewhere through this, there is a good lesson that I need to heed. He who learns must suffer, right?

Time and truth will set me free. That's my only faith now. Until then, I guess I'll just need to find better distractions, so that I don't self-destruct. And get tired enough to sleep.

In the final act of cruelty, God himself decided to take all my wishes, words and desires, and bestow them to another. And just like that, that other person has all her wishes granted, and she instead gets the prize I have so desperately wish for. And all I am left with is an emptiness inside that is so black, so devoid of feelings, I don't know whether to cry or to hit something.

Why God? Have you abandoned me?

Tossing in bed last night, I thought I was ready to let her go. Just come on out and tell her I want all or nothing.

24 hours later, here I am now. So helpless, deciding that I should just stay my tongue.

Maybe in time she will finally be ready for a relationship. As the saying goes - love is friendship set on fire.

Maybe one day we can set this friendship on fire.

Maybe she will choose to stay.

Maybe I just need to bide my time and wait for her.

Maybe I just need to go see a shrink.

Been out driving all night again.

"Max, you need to stop doing this. Gas isn't cheap you know."

I know. I wish my heart understand that too. I can't stop thinking, my heart can't stop hoping.

"Well looks like it isn't gonna happen after all."

I know. Wait, I don't want to know that. No wait, my heart refuse to acknowledge that. It is still waiting for that call that my mind already know will never come. Not this time round.

Driving back, all I can muster was put David on loop.

What's wrong with my heart
Shake it off
Let it go
Didn't think it'd be this hard
Should be strong, moving on
But I see you sometimes
I try to hide what I feel inside

"Max, this doesn't make sense. You need more time. What's so fucking special about this girl?"

Beats me. All I know is she gets me, and she cares more than most of my friends.

"But she's just a friend."

But she called in the end.

"Cuz she's a friend who cares."

I didn't hear anyone else calling.

"Max no one else knows."

Cuz I couldn't talk to anyone else about it.

"Why not? You didn't try."

The others won't get it. She gets me.

"So why are you so damn fucked up now?"

Cuz she gets me. And now I want more, but I can't.

"Maybe you can change her mind."

I don't know how. She already said no in the first place.

"Maybe she changed her mind."

How will I know?

"Maybe you can ask her again."

Maybe I'm scared. I don't wanna lose her.

"I'm sorry, what exactly have you got to lose?"

Our friendship.

"But that's not even what you want in the first place."

I know.

"So what the fuck is stopping you?"

I don't want to lose her, even if it means hanging on to a friendship which wasn't what I want in the first place.

"Well I guess you're well and truly fucked."

Not really. I wish she wants to fuck me. I wish I can fuck her, but can't do that either.

"OK, well and truly fucked up in your messed-up head."

Yeah, that's a much more accurate assessment.

"And I thought you're super logical."

I thought so too. I wish I still am. Not with her. All my logic stripped, am a bundle of nerves and emotions now.

"You're just crushing, it'll go away in time."

In a long time, especially if we continue to be friends.

"Then stop."

I can't. She gets me. That's all I have to hang onto.

"Well, hang onto that and you'll lose your sanity."

Well I've already lost my mind and heart. What difference does it make?

"True. All fucked up, messed up. You must think you're very noble, choosing to be the loyal friend who will remain silent."

No, I just can't get over her. She gets me. She so gets me I don't think she will ever comprehend. I can't let that go.

"Fucked up, Max. Well and truly fucked up."

I know. I so fucking know.