Day 1

Mind can't stop racing. Heart won't stop breaking. This sucks. Fucking sucks.

Longest Weekend

I already miss you.

Crestfallen

Bad. Very bad. I'm so beside myself now I don't even know what to say to her.

Had we but world enough, and time...

Suddenly, this seems very appropriate and relevant. Is it by fate, or pure stroke of coincidence, that this is one of your favorites too?

To his Coy Mistress
by Andrew Marvell

Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, lady, were no crime.
We would sit down and think which way
To walk, and pass our long love's day;
Thou by the Indian Ganges' side
Shouldst rubies find; I by the tide
Of Humber would complain. I would
Love you ten years before the Flood;
And you should, if you please, refuse
Till the conversion of the Jews.
My vegetable love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow.
An hundred years should go to praise
Thine eyes, and on thy forehead gaze;
Two hundred to adore each breast,
But thirty thousand to the rest;
An age at least to every part,
And the last age should show your heart.
For, lady, you deserve this state,
Nor would I love at lower rate.

But at my back I always hear
Time's winged chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Thy beauty shall no more be found,
Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound
My echoing song; then worms shall try
That long preserv'd virginity,
And your quaint honour turn to dust,
And into ashes all my lust.
The grave's a fine and private place,
But none I think do there embrace.

Now therefore, while the youthful hue
Sits on thy skin like morning dew,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires,
Now let us sport us while we may;
And now, like am'rous birds of prey,
Rather at once our time devour,
Than languish in his slow-chapp'd power.
Let us roll all our strength, and all
Our sweetness, up into one ball;
And tear our pleasures with rough strife
Thorough the iron gates of life.
Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.

Mindless Sinking

4pm in the afternoon and I wonder what she's doing. Wait. Maybe I don't. Not when she's with that person.

I never knew missing someone can feel so bittersweet and heartbreaking at the same time. Like a haunting tune, my mind keeps returning to Saturday morning, being there with her, that privileged sense of understanding and belonging that was exclusive to just the two of us. It felt warm and unbreakable. Yet now, she feels like a million miles away, and my only hope is that she misses me, even if it's just a fraction of how I'm missing her now. Then comes the heartbreaking part, the part where my mind returns to present reality. A reality that never stops reminding me that someone else is holding her, sharing a privileged moment with her.

And then, that familiar sinking feeling takes over. A familiar torture that I can never get used to nor be rid of. Sinking.... Slowly sinking. Suffocatingly sinking. Hopelessly sinking.

Mindless

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Choices

In spite of all the pain, uncertainty, wishful thinking and soul searching, I know I'm gonna have to accept that, come what may, there is no right or wrong. It's simply a choice I make. And if shit hits the fan, those who are still there, not to offer advice but simply their hand, are the real friends.

And right now, I know that my choice to wait is all mine. And I have to accept that, along with all the consequences, good or bad. I just pray that it's more good than bad.

And yes, I really do think too much for my own good.

So much for my weekend wishlist

I wish you don't have to see her again tomorrow. I wish she won't come to KL with you. I wish I'm the one eating fish cordon bleu with you. I wish it won't suck so much everytime just sitting here missing you while trying not to think about her being around you. I wish I'm not sitting here wishfully thinking about doing the things we say we want to do together but never did. I wish all my plans for you are not just plans. I wish life isn't unfair that, for all our discussions and planning about how you're going to get your life started in KL, I have stand aside in silence and watch while she, not I, will be the one by your side to see it all fall into place for you. I wish I'm the one right there with you when you finally found your second home in KL. I wish it's easier. I wish I can shut my mind off and don't think so much, so that it hurts less. I wish all that beer and cigs would help me get distracted better. And you wondered why I have to go out? Because it beats sitting around just thinking. Because the more I think, the more I want. The more I want, the more I know what I cannot get. The more I know, the more I withdraw.

So what if I say what I need to say? Will it make this aching pain go away? No. Does it make me miss you less? No. Does it explain what I am going through? Nowhere near what I wish you know.

Apples

So this is how it feels like, waiting for apples.

Duckie

A floating duck. What kind of person would use such a nickname? The adorable kind that gets you all omg-I-wanna-bear-hug-you giddy.

And what is cuter? A floating snoozing duck... zzzzzzz....