Ride of my life

Went with mom to visit an aunt at an old folks nursery centre. She's still healthy for an 80-plus-year-old, except for a failing memory. She could still recognize my mom. Not sure who she thinks I am though, whom she kept referring to as "this kid who has really grown much taller". Flattering remark really, considering how I have stopped growing vertically 20 years ago!

When we got home this evening, mom received a call from JB. Uncle #3, who turned 60 early this year but has been fighting cancer, has been warded again. This time it doesn't look good. The doctor has given the advice everyone expected but didn't want to hear - they can't give him anymore treatment, just be prepared.

All these suddenly hit me with a moment of sobriety. Life is too short. It doesn't matter if you live to 30 or 100, there will never be enough time to fulfill all your desires or live out your dreams, to undo all your regrets or atone for lost time and opportunity. Life will always be a constant struggle, a never-ending series of hills and valleys. Just when you think you have reached the top and conquered a hill, down you go again to climb the next.

Maybe life isn't about fighting one monumental roller coaster ride, but about keeping a tally of how many you went through and survive.

I wonder how many more lies ahead of mine.

Finding my next distraction

Just one more week of world cup football. After that it's back to numb mode. I need to find my next distraction.

In other slightly related news, people have been commenting that I have lost a lot of weight and curious to know my secret. And all I can offer is a smile and standard Malaysia response, "Yes meh?", while thinking to myself "No you don't wanna know".

Work in progress

Finally got my haircut. But apart from that, nothing has changed. Still using same crappy phone. Still the same job which I'll probably stay on for a while. Still sleeping late and waking up later. Still can't stop staring at that online status.

A very dear friend told me that I shouldn't feel stupid for the way I feel, for simply being an actual living breathing human being. Feel angry, confused, in-love, whatever. Just don't feel stupid. If you want something, and you are prepared to fight for it, then you need to be prepared to get hurt. That's the risk for wanting. And living.

And then there is also something I have not thought about. If I care for her like I claim to be, I need to respect her too. Respect her confusion and honesty. Respect her decision. Respect her freedom to choose. And even her fears.

And I should stop being such a pleaser and start believing in what I truly stand for.

I guess I should start somewhere, not by forgiving or forgetting or beating myself up over questions which I will not have answers for, but by believing again.