Dear God,
My head's a mess right now.
I've finally found what I want yesterday. And I realize why for so long I couldn't put a finger on what I want.
To want is a challenge, because it takes hard work to get what you want. And for most of my life, I would like to think I've always worked hard to get what I want. Well material wants anyway. But this, this desire to want a person, it chews you up so slowly inside, that no amount of distraction is enough to pull you away from the slow spiral down a wretched void in your heart. Especially when you cannot get what you want.
Maybe that's why, for so long, I couldn't, or perhaps, wouldn't put myself in a position to want anything. It is a challenge I never won.
So maybe this PERSON isn't really what I want. But at least I know now I want someone like this. As TLC sings, "I gotta be in love with someone like that".
I never knew something so monumental can happen so instantly. I'm exposed, completely out of my comfort zone. And just like that, all my insecurities and fears that I have tried so hard to bury deep down come rushing to the fore that I have no defense anymore, and all I'm left with now are raw emotions that I have no control over. All at once, I'm left to confront all my vulnerabilities. I'm totally unprepared and I find myself trying to push it away. My mind is so tired yet I cannot find the will to shut it down. I want to believe, dear God, that you are still with me and that you will give me a sign that I'm finally on the right track, the right track to finding my path, my wants, my desires, my dreams that are to be the end of my sojourn. Didn't a wise man once said:
He who learns must suffer
And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget
Falls drop by drop upon the heart,
And in our own despair, against our will,
Comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God
I don't want to be strong anymore. I want this someone to take me away, hold me down when I'm overwhelmed with pride. To prop me up when my self-esteem pulls me down. I want so badly to cry now but I've done that too many times that every time I emerge colder than before, so numb that I'll withdraw back into my shell again. But dear God, I really don't want to do it this time. I want to break this cycle of withdrawal and defeatism. I'm too tired of living out the same old mix of disappointment and unfulfilled desires.
Dear God I so wish for the warmth of that someone now. A hug, a kiss, a comforting embrace, to tell me that I no longer have to walk alone and that even this messed-up head can find her way home.