Quid pro quo

Hey Logic, been a while.

Mmm hmm, you seem calm today.

Seem being the operative word.

So you're not?

For now, I guess I am. But you know how quickly things can change. Or oscillate.

Oh no, are we gonna discuss your uncontrollable feelings again?

Don't mock me.

Just pointing out the obvious. You are becoming more and more predictable.

That's good, right? At least I'm setting correct expectations.

Yea, if you think boring is good. And frankly speaking, lately all you ever do is complain about your psychological well being. Sien!

Well I am trying very hard to distract myself, but nothing seem to work anymore.

Once a Capricorn, always a Capricorn. You need to stop being so defensive as well.

I didn't know being defensive is a Capricorn trait...

OK it's definitely a Max trait. Not very sexy trait wei.

And being logical is?

Hey at least I get things done. Now that is a universally appealing quality!

Aren't we a little cocky today.

Ah so you're beginning to get it.

Ooh.... Clever. Very clever.

Seriously. A few months ago we wouldn't be having this conversation. Or ANY conversation!

I'm too used to getting what I want. Most of the time anyway. Perhaps I was over confident, and when things don't go my way, I fall flat down to earth.

It's not as bad as you think, if it still feels good doing what you are doing.

How can being sad half the time feel good at all?

Well you said it - half the time. The other half of the time, you are happy... enough, no?

*Smile*

*Smile*

I almost forgot how that feels like.

What, being happy?

Being at ease with doing what I want.

Just gotta believe, and understand that there is no fault in trying. It's even okay to cry sometimes. Just umm not all the time la. Crying, now THAT's definitely not sexy.

Hey I can't help it if I'm in touch with my feelings!

Yeah so in touch until you are out of touch with your reality and self-awareness? Nobody likes a crybaby. You of all people should know.

Fine I'll cry when no one's looking.

But I'll be.

Then I guess I'll need you to slap my senses awake.

You know I'm not going anywhere.

Really. What took you so long this time?

I've been here all along. You just didn't want to see me. All your attention seem to be on someone else though.

Make no mistake, it still is.

Nothing wrong with that. Just go easy on yourself and stop questioning your motives. If you already decided that it is what you want and it is the right thing to do, then do it like you believe in it.

Hmm... maybe YOU should ask her out on a date instead.

You think?

Who knows, right?

*Nod*

*Nod*

Raw

It should be made a crime that something so illogical can feel so intense and hurt this much.

Snap out of it, Max, and accept the fact that, more often than not, you don't get what you want all the time. Give and take is overrated. Just be grateful that you can still give.

And you need to stop asking why, because sometimes there simply are no answers. Or just answers that you already know.

Mind Warp

Spent the whole afternoon thinking, pining, missing. Willing myself to no avail to stop this burning ache fueled by an incessant bout of wishful thinking.

None of this makes sense. All I can do is just stare at the offline status, and think some more. Like nursing an open wound, I went from racing thoughts of what-ifs to silent gasps of agony. There are so many things I want to tell you, scripted and rehearsed countless times in my head. But I can't. So it's all input and conjecture now; no output, no logic, no aim. The mind races forward....

Right now it's just numb. Maybe the mind has finally short-circuited. Or just suspended in a temporary state of vacuum until it connects itself with the next wave of input and sensory overload.