Journey to Peace and Liberation

Today I learned something new about you. And it is frustrating, scary, sad and worrying. All in that order. All I can think of now is that if only I have all the answers that you wish for, the kind that would miraculously subdue all that frustration, fear and disappointment.

And all that kinda brought home the fact that I too am still looking for the perfect solution to my sense of entrapment. I guess we're all still searching for our own perfect lives. That elusive bit of peace and liberation.

I don't know if the knowledge of not being alone in this search would help you, but it has somehow kept me going for the last 36 years. It helps to know that, while no one knows the answer, at least everyone is searching for it. Trust me it isn't easy for me to wake up everyday and remind myself that it is ok to be imperfect and at the same time living in an imperfect world. But I guess the day when everyone has given up is the day when I will too, and from where I'm standing, no one has.

So I guess we'll just have to continue to search, even if we have to cry, whine, scream and get lost along the way, and at the same time hope that those who care and love you cry, whine, scream and get lost with you too.

Is honesty really the best policy?

All I ever wanted is for everyone to be happy. And lately it feels as if all I'm doing is pleasing everyone, especially my mother. Not that I'm complaining that I don't want to be pleasing her, but I'm beginning to wonder if there are limits to what I can and cannot do, where there will be moments when nothing I do will ever please her. Like what happened today. It's almost scary to think that she is actually envious of the fact that I went, at my own time and convenience, to pick up someone I care. I was especially hurt by her remark, that I "don't even pick her up at the bus station nor the airport", as she conveniently left out the times when I did went out of my way, made time for her.

I cannot help but wonder about the meaning behind that remark, as if nothing else is, no wait, SHOULD, be more important than her in my life right now. For the first time I felt the weight of expectation upon me, as if all my siblings have relinquished their duties as her children as soon as they got married and leave the nest, transferred their collective care and responsibilities to me, so therefore I am now expected to be the sole provider of everything.

Because they have their own families, I don't.

Fact of the matter is, there IS someone else important in my life right now. She may not be family but I care deeply for this person, and I WANT to give her my time and attention, just as I am trying very hard to give my parents too. Is that wrong? Would it be easier for us all if I can just be honest and come out to my mother? I'm so tempted to do so right now because I do wonder if all this pleasing at the expense of the truth is causing more confusion and pain, and if I can just tell her the truth, she will finally give me the space, support and understanding I so desperately need from my own mother. Perhaps maybe then she will no longer question the wisdom of my decisions, what I want to do with my time, and who I choose to care for.