Don't Know Why

Someday time will wash away all this heartbreak. But right now,I just don't know how to let go. So maybe I'll just hang onto it. Call it false hope or naive denial, I just don't know how to stop caring and missing, and no amount of alcohol nor cigs can help. I found that out the painful way.

Behind These Eyes

I know you're still reading. Like me, I know you still want to care. And, to me, that's heart-breaking, standing and watching from a distance, thinking about what could have been.

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry

- Kelly Clarkson, Behind These Hazel Eyes

Unwanted

For the last 9 months, I have done all that you ask of me, took you into my life, lived through all your pain and sorrows, provided you comfort when she doesn't know how, cheered you on in every challenge, cherished every moment we shared, even the ones with us sleeping with earphones on. All I ask is that you find a place in your life for me, and for the last 9 months, you did.

But in your eagerness to please her, your "need" to be with her, you reduce me to nothing more than a doormat that you can easily discard of when it inconveniences you. Suddenly, I am not so important anymore and since you're playing by her rules, you subject me to them as well, despite my vehement protest.

Last night when you told me your decision, it felt as if the past 9 months mean nothing to you. If you really mean what you said, that you care and you thought about the options, did you ever stop and think about what you are doing to me, leading me on for the last 9 months, injecting all sorts of ideas that led me to making all kinds of plans for when you are in KL? All the places that you wanted me to take you. All the vacations and new places that you wanted to go see with me. She may be your past and present, but I think I could have been your future. I certainly think you could have been mine. And just like that, it all went up in smoke.

But if this is your choice, if this is the brand of happiness that you want to pursue with her, I can't stop what you want, if this is REALLY what you want for yourself in the long run. I guess I have to accept that, I can never be her. You have all this history with her, I get that. But what I have with you, I know she can never provide you. She can never be me. 9 months may not compare to 5 years, but it could have been one hell of a start to something scary, exciting and fulfilling all at once. But I guess you don't want it. And now I have to stop wanting it too because it hurts too much to think about how it used to be exactly what we both wanted.