The week is almost up and the long weekend beckons. Guess it wasn't as bad as I thought it could have been - I still have my job and in full control of all my mental faculties - although there is still room for improvement. So excuse me while I get a little greedy and indulge in a little wishful thinking, i.e. top 5 things that can really top off the week:
5. Charitable donations or free meals - to compensate for a very very unlucky visit by yours truly to deposit an involuntary donation with the Sepang City Council.
4. Full body massage. It's been a long while since my last prolonged migraine attack. My head is still buzzing but I am starting to feel the last painkiller kicking in. But yeah, what I wouldn't give for a massage right now!
3. Score myself a free Turnitin user account, because I cannot for the life of me think of any other way she is accessing it.
2. To finally crack the trick she's been using to "hide" from my blog counter. Can't believe I'm being out-smarted by a non-IT professional!
1. Dinner, pool and perhaps karaoke again with her this weekend. And if I get to finally hold her hand, I'm ready to die and go to heaven already.
In a brutal world of people who don't know what they want, cynicism is my defense. Show me a man who means what he say, and I'll show you the fool who believed.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Wishing You'll Be Here
I'm sorry. I'm just jealous but I should be more supportive. Therefore I'm gonna try not to think too much. Good thing she can't see me and my dopey eyes.
*Deep breath* Must... stay... cool....
*Deep breath* Must... stay... cool....
Back to School
Lessons of the Day:
1. It's ok to give apples as long as you don't expect apples in return. Some people may give you oranges, others langsat. Some might even run away with your apples without as much as a thank you. And then there are those who will give you apples too, when they're ready. Or when you least expect it.
2. Sometimes there really IS no answer to even the simplest questions. Repeatedly asking it in different ways won't magically conjure the perfect answers out of thin air. Generous use of profanity doesn't help either.
3. When the opportunity presents itself, shut up and listen. Not just listen, but really comprehend every single word, punctuation and perspective.
4. When you want something badly, try wanting it quietly and patiently. It's never a God given right to get what you want all the time.
5. Not everyone runs at the same speed as you. Hell, some aren't even running with you. Deal with it.
Was thinking about this the whole day, and Joyce brought it all home to me during mamak. I have an ego problem that somehow incapacitate my ability to absorb advice. I cannot afford to keep repeating these mistakes - I'm hurting the people I love and care about. I definitely need to be more conscious about my thought process, and the words I choose to manifest them. Or not manifest anything at all. I need to be better than this.
1. It's ok to give apples as long as you don't expect apples in return. Some people may give you oranges, others langsat. Some might even run away with your apples without as much as a thank you. And then there are those who will give you apples too, when they're ready. Or when you least expect it.
2. Sometimes there really IS no answer to even the simplest questions. Repeatedly asking it in different ways won't magically conjure the perfect answers out of thin air. Generous use of profanity doesn't help either.
3. When the opportunity presents itself, shut up and listen. Not just listen, but really comprehend every single word, punctuation and perspective.
4. When you want something badly, try wanting it quietly and patiently. It's never a God given right to get what you want all the time.
5. Not everyone runs at the same speed as you. Hell, some aren't even running with you. Deal with it.
Was thinking about this the whole day, and Joyce brought it all home to me during mamak. I have an ego problem that somehow incapacitate my ability to absorb advice. I cannot afford to keep repeating these mistakes - I'm hurting the people I love and care about. I definitely need to be more conscious about my thought process, and the words I choose to manifest them. Or not manifest anything at all. I need to be better than this.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I'm Sorry I'm an Idiot Who Can't Express Herself Intelligently
Not only have I lost my mind, I have now lost my sense.
I didn't think anything else would hurt more. But knowing that I have hurt her does. What was I thinking? I wasn't. I was too busy blabbering my mouth off and not checking my words.
The truth is, I just want to be with her so badly, but in my haste, I forced her to choose and pushed her too harshly when I have no right to. I should have been content because she's always said time is what she needs. I should have been more patient but instead now, I may have pushed her away and I have only myself to blame.
I am suppose to be there for her no matter what because I care. Because she's special. Because I want to. Because it makes her happy. Because I like it when it does. Because she's a part of my life. Because it's the best I can do for her.
Above all, it's because it's all I ever wanted.
P/S: Barely 6 hours gone and I'm already regretting my last post. I seriously need to control my emotions.
I didn't think anything else would hurt more. But knowing that I have hurt her does. What was I thinking? I wasn't. I was too busy blabbering my mouth off and not checking my words.
The truth is, I just want to be with her so badly, but in my haste, I forced her to choose and pushed her too harshly when I have no right to. I should have been content because she's always said time is what she needs. I should have been more patient but instead now, I may have pushed her away and I have only myself to blame.
I am suppose to be there for her no matter what because I care. Because she's special. Because I want to. Because it makes her happy. Because I like it when it does. Because she's a part of my life. Because it's the best I can do for her.
Above all, it's because it's all I ever wanted.
P/S: Barely 6 hours gone and I'm already regretting my last post. I seriously need to control my emotions.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Fucked Up. Strung Out. Caving In.
Work: Not going anywhere. The same fucking mundane shit might finally hit the fan tomorrow. I don't know why I'm getting all stressed out. It's not like I cared before today. The worst that can happen is I'll just lose a job that I have long ago lost interest in.
Relationship: Non-existent. Convoluted. Trying too hard. Borderline insane. Take your pick. The one person I'm interested in (after 3 years of moving on) is available emotionally, but not physically nor mentally. Not complicated enough? Try this for size - the gf might actually move to KL to be with her too, in which case, my relationship status will be permanently non-existent. When she told me she's excited about it, I almost stabbed myself with a pencil. It certainly felt like I was.
Personal Life: Suffocating. The Bukit Gasing room really hit it home for me. Now I find myself envious of a gay couple who found the courage and companionship to settle down in a home they can truly call their own.
Frame of mind: See Relationship.
I'm such a defeatist right now I can't fucking stand myself. All this self-pity, self-loathing shit makes me wanna fucking puke all over myself, even if it's to wake myself up from one stark reality to another. I know I'll probably read this fan-fucking-tastic post later and hate/regret every single word I wrote but, fuck me, this is my blog and I can fucking deface it with any fucking miserable rant, because it's fucking mine.
This is shaping up to be a bad week.
Relationship: Non-existent. Convoluted. Trying too hard. Borderline insane. Take your pick. The one person I'm interested in (after 3 years of moving on) is available emotionally, but not physically nor mentally. Not complicated enough? Try this for size - the gf might actually move to KL to be with her too, in which case, my relationship status will be permanently non-existent. When she told me she's excited about it, I almost stabbed myself with a pencil. It certainly felt like I was.
Personal Life: Suffocating. The Bukit Gasing room really hit it home for me. Now I find myself envious of a gay couple who found the courage and companionship to settle down in a home they can truly call their own.
Frame of mind: See Relationship.
I'm such a defeatist right now I can't fucking stand myself. All this self-pity, self-loathing shit makes me wanna fucking puke all over myself, even if it's to wake myself up from one stark reality to another. I know I'll probably read this fan-fucking-tastic post later and hate/regret every single word I wrote but, fuck me, this is my blog and I can fucking deface it with any fucking miserable rant, because it's fucking mine.
This is shaping up to be a bad week.
Forward unto the Unknown
Living in the here and now. That's what we're doing now. Not knowing where we're heading, what lies ahead or how deep this is gonna go.
Somedays I wish there is some magical crystal ball that will show me. Other days I'm just throwing caution to the wind and living one day at a time in this uncharted territory. And then, there are days when I'm just weary, when the fear of the unknown whirls my head into overdrive.
Yeah, maybe I just need to chill and stop being such a Capricorn about this.
Somedays I wish there is some magical crystal ball that will show me. Other days I'm just throwing caution to the wind and living one day at a time in this uncharted territory. And then, there are days when I'm just weary, when the fear of the unknown whirls my head into overdrive.
Yeah, maybe I just need to chill and stop being such a Capricorn about this.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Green Beans and Finger Tips
Even though it's been 2 weeks, I still get that same indescribable feeling I felt looking at her that night. If only I had just reached over to her hand when I had the chance. Instead all I got were her fingers tips.
Must be bolder next time, and aim for more than just hands, even at the risk of embarrassment. Mmm I just remembered - she knows Taekwondo. OK may need to revise strategy to minimize bodily harm too.
But for now, I'm just going to lull myself to sleep with thoughts of the way she make me feel - just there next to me, picking out green beans out of the muruku bowl and giving them all to me, while I happily gobbled them up, even though I don't really fancy them.
Must be bolder next time, and aim for more than just hands, even at the risk of embarrassment. Mmm I just remembered - she knows Taekwondo. OK may need to revise strategy to minimize bodily harm too.
But for now, I'm just going to lull myself to sleep with thoughts of the way she make me feel - just there next to me, picking out green beans out of the muruku bowl and giving them all to me, while I happily gobbled them up, even though I don't really fancy them.
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