Serial Hermit

It's official. I have finally retreated back to my shell again.

After a discussion with Joyce (whom by the way I'm glad is back because I think it will be a better deal for her to stay here), it is confirmed that I am a serial hermit, a hibernating creature that comes out for an extended period of time, be brave enough to venture out of her comfort zone, takes in the sights, then decides she doesn't like what she sees, scurries back into her hole for as long as she needs to recover from the shock of disappointment and crushed hopes.

Along the years, I think this - for the lack of a better word - behavior has thrown off quite a few people. Most of them would just leave me alone and allow me the space to recover and then resurface. But a friend's reaction last night threw me off when she began chastising my inability to confront my stark reality as cowardice unworthy of her friendship. "Not friend material."

WTF?

Since when is the suffering of heartbreak the basis for friendship degradation? Is my recluse so terminal that my friend has finally had enough and is throwing in the towel in frustration because she has offered all her wisdom and can no longer tolerate my inability to apply them as panacea? Or is my bid for solitude a sign of betrayal to her patience? Or do I just dismiss this as another one of those clingy friends that has come and gone over the years? Just because I give you the time and day every week, does it now mean that I'm obligated to continue to give you the time and day too, even when my heart is not up for it? Is it not okay for me to not air my personal laundry to you anymore just to spare me the same sermon that I'm sure you're quite tired of giving?

It's not by choice that I've become what I have become now, and to be branded as not friendship material is an unkind retort, especially coming from a person whom I honestly thought would understand rather than just shove her philosophy down my throat. In a way, empathy is overrated. I'm in a pit of shit trying to climb my way out, and you want to merajuk now, really? REALLY? All of a sudden, staying in that pit isn't such a bad prospect after all, even if it is to escape drama that I frankly can do without now.

I can't help but wonder if it is scenarios such as this that reinforce my defense mechanism every time I crash and burn. Whatever it may be, I just do not have the emotional capacity now to deal with anyone's feelings because I'm having trouble dealing with my own.