Been out driving all night again.

"Max, you need to stop doing this. Gas isn't cheap you know."

I know. I wish my heart understand that too. I can't stop thinking, my heart can't stop hoping.

"Well looks like it isn't gonna happen after all."

I know. Wait, I don't want to know that. No wait, my heart refuse to acknowledge that. It is still waiting for that call that my mind already know will never come. Not this time round.

Driving back, all I can muster was put David on loop.

What's wrong with my heart
Shake it off
Let it go
Didn't think it'd be this hard
Should be strong, moving on
But I see you sometimes
I try to hide what I feel inside

"Max, this doesn't make sense. You need more time. What's so fucking special about this girl?"

Beats me. All I know is she gets me, and she cares more than most of my friends.

"But she's just a friend."

But she called in the end.

"Cuz she's a friend who cares."

I didn't hear anyone else calling.

"Max no one else knows."

Cuz I couldn't talk to anyone else about it.

"Why not? You didn't try."

The others won't get it. She gets me.

"So why are you so damn fucked up now?"

Cuz she gets me. And now I want more, but I can't.

"Maybe you can change her mind."

I don't know how. She already said no in the first place.

"Maybe she changed her mind."

How will I know?

"Maybe you can ask her again."

Maybe I'm scared. I don't wanna lose her.

"I'm sorry, what exactly have you got to lose?"

Our friendship.

"But that's not even what you want in the first place."

I know.

"So what the fuck is stopping you?"

I don't want to lose her, even if it means hanging on to a friendship which wasn't what I want in the first place.

"Well I guess you're well and truly fucked."

Not really. I wish she wants to fuck me. I wish I can fuck her, but can't do that either.

"OK, well and truly fucked up in your messed-up head."

Yeah, that's a much more accurate assessment.

"And I thought you're super logical."

I thought so too. I wish I still am. Not with her. All my logic stripped, am a bundle of nerves and emotions now.

"You're just crushing, it'll go away in time."

In a long time, especially if we continue to be friends.

"Then stop."

I can't. She gets me. That's all I have to hang onto.

"Well, hang onto that and you'll lose your sanity."

Well I've already lost my mind and heart. What difference does it make?

"True. All fucked up, messed up. You must think you're very noble, choosing to be the loyal friend who will remain silent."

No, I just can't get over her. She gets me. She so gets me I don't think she will ever comprehend. I can't let that go.

"Fucked up, Max. Well and truly fucked up."

I know. I so fucking know.