Hello again

And so it begins. Again. My descent.

And this time it is a long free fall.

Breathing you in when I want you out,
Finding our truth in a hope of doubt.
Lying inside our quiet drama.
- Spectrum, Zedd

I didn't. You did.

I was there when you were rushing your masters' paper. I didn't ask you to stay up all night with me.

I went to stay with you everyday because you didn't want to be alone. I didn't know you needed my gratitude.

I left my home to live with you. I didn't ask you to abandon your family.

I gave my all to be all you want me to be. I didn't ask you to change for me.

I love you in spite of myself. I didn't ask you to love me unconditionally.

I just want you to love me back with equal fervor. I didn't know I'm suppose to repay in kind.

I just want you to care like I do. I am not like you.

Life's Design

My tears are flowing while my disappointment overflows. What else can I do, since you're too tired to hear me rant, but to return to this pathetic shell I thought I'd never have to revisit again since we found each other.

Yes you have much to be tired about lately. New job. New expectations. New home. New friend.

New friend, who has taken hold of you attention, your energy, your fascination, you dependence.

Without warning, I am now left to deal with your absenteeism - no more wake-up texts, working-hour calls, or late-night deliberations about life's grand design, and all its uninvited responsibilities and frustrations . My shoulder, eyes and ears are no longer in demand.

Without hesitation, you seek solace and comfort in your new friend, transferring all your attention, your energy, your fascination, your dependence. Your whims and fancies, fears and logic are no longer my staple.

Without you, I am just an emotional wreck to you.

Without me, you are just as free and easy with your new friend.

Without a clue, I sit here pondering about the reasons for my life's design, with all its unfulfilled promises and unwelcomed callousness, as I watch your pursuit with reckless abandon for the reasons in your life's design, and all its uncharted potential and unforgiving distractions.

Not So Special After All

Patience does not beget patience. Same goes with kindness.

Guess I was a fool again for believing. Guess I'm not so special after all.

Wei? What's happening?

I really don't understand you sometimes. Like during those times when you're cold and unrelenting in the blink of an eye. Like today.

Perhaps these are reminders that there are still corners that you tuck deep within and not let anyone in. That in spite of all the understanding and familiarity, I can be rendered clueless by your unfamiliar surprises in equal measure.

As I sit here dumbfounded, I struggle between my own unrelenting worry for you accompanied by the urge to call and demand for an immediate disclosure of the day's events, and my guarded weariness to allow you the space to de-pressurize.

Then, as if on cue, you called. If there's any consistency at all to be learned from this: You never fail to surprise me. As I sit here, even more dumbfounded.

Scared

Scared. Not because I don't have the answers.

Scared, because of what I just realized.

Scared, because I don't know how to tell you what I think.

Journey to Peace and Liberation

Today I learned something new about you. And it is frustrating, scary, sad and worrying. All in that order. All I can think of now is that if only I have all the answers that you wish for, the kind that would miraculously subdue all that frustration, fear and disappointment.

And all that kinda brought home the fact that I too am still looking for the perfect solution to my sense of entrapment. I guess we're all still searching for our own perfect lives. That elusive bit of peace and liberation.

I don't know if the knowledge of not being alone in this search would help you, but it has somehow kept me going for the last 36 years. It helps to know that, while no one knows the answer, at least everyone is searching for it. Trust me it isn't easy for me to wake up everyday and remind myself that it is ok to be imperfect and at the same time living in an imperfect world. But I guess the day when everyone has given up is the day when I will too, and from where I'm standing, no one has.

So I guess we'll just have to continue to search, even if we have to cry, whine, scream and get lost along the way, and at the same time hope that those who care and love you cry, whine, scream and get lost with you too.

Is honesty really the best policy?

All I ever wanted is for everyone to be happy. And lately it feels as if all I'm doing is pleasing everyone, especially my mother. Not that I'm complaining that I don't want to be pleasing her, but I'm beginning to wonder if there are limits to what I can and cannot do, where there will be moments when nothing I do will ever please her. Like what happened today. It's almost scary to think that she is actually envious of the fact that I went, at my own time and convenience, to pick up someone I care. I was especially hurt by her remark, that I "don't even pick her up at the bus station nor the airport", as she conveniently left out the times when I did went out of my way, made time for her.

I cannot help but wonder about the meaning behind that remark, as if nothing else is, no wait, SHOULD, be more important than her in my life right now. For the first time I felt the weight of expectation upon me, as if all my siblings have relinquished their duties as her children as soon as they got married and leave the nest, transferred their collective care and responsibilities to me, so therefore I am now expected to be the sole provider of everything.

Because they have their own families, I don't.

Fact of the matter is, there IS someone else important in my life right now. She may not be family but I care deeply for this person, and I WANT to give her my time and attention, just as I am trying very hard to give my parents too. Is that wrong? Would it be easier for us all if I can just be honest and come out to my mother? I'm so tempted to do so right now because I do wonder if all this pleasing at the expense of the truth is causing more confusion and pain, and if I can just tell her the truth, she will finally give me the space, support and understanding I so desperately need from my own mother. Perhaps maybe then she will no longer question the wisdom of my decisions, what I want to do with my time, and who I choose to care for.

Random Musings

I like the way you make me feel, but not the things you say sometimes. It's ok, I tell myself, it's just how you are, part of who you are which I am learning to accept. Kinda like how you are learning to understand and accept the good and not-so-good parts about me.

That's part of what is likable about you, the understanding and accepting. There are the not so likable bits too, like your indecision. And all I can do is wait. Be scared, and wait.

Restless

Have we just found and lost love?

What is the price of love - to give one's all and ask for nothing in return? Is that what I must do? Is that what you want of me - love unencumbered - even though you're not ready to love me back yet?

I sit now pondering Andrew Marvell's musings - Had we but world enough, and time....