Just passing through...

For the longest time I wonder if I was patriotic.

Now I am finally convinced that I will never be a patriot to this so-called negaraku. It appears that myself, my father, my mother, my parents' fathers and mothers, we're just visitors. We're not welcomed and we should just as well pack our bags and go "home".

Patriotism is well and truly overrated, especially in this very gemilang country. Thank you for making it so blindingly obvious to our children and their children that it's absolutely fine to disrespect people of another skin color, that, even after more than 50 years of toil and tears for this place we've come to call Home, we deserve no gratitude nor equal rights.

Because we're just passing through.

Still a fool

Am I trying too hard? Doing too much? Being too self-conscious about this whole "getting to know you again" thing?

I thought when you want something, you fight for it. So is it then wrong when you fight too hard, try too much? Does it all feel contrived? I wish I can be casual about this and behave like how I would behave normally, but I don't feel normal now. I feel like I'm on the edge ready to fall over any minute if it all fades away in 2 weeks time. You can't be sub-conscious about an obvious target, just like you can't shoot and expect to hit the bullseye if you know you're not trying.

I never took the time and paid enough attention and that was my problem.

Now I'm taking too much time and probably over-doing it instead. Maybe I SHOULD be pissed because I can't seem to get this right.

Stupid fool. After 2 years you still don't have the answers, so don't expect to come out of this smelling like roses. And you definitely do not have the right be pissed just because you're crying and you don't even know why.

The Law of Special Relativity

Time flies.

A week back at work, yet my mind is still stuck at the first week of August. Was looking at that rash I got from Galera and was thinking... it's been 2 weeks it's still there. Wait. It's been 3 weeks! Seems like it was only yesterday. I'm really good at staying in a particular frame of mind/time. If time is relative, then I wouldn't mind staying there for as long as I can, because the last 3 weeks was my happiest in recent memory.

A week ago I was still upacking after coming home.

2 weeks ago I was packing to check into Citadel after extending after realizing I wasn't ready to leave yet.

3 weeks ago I was savoring Thai fried rice and tom yam with B and taking my time with Day 1 of my vacation.

How time flies....

Getting to Know You... Again

What's changed, you wonder
I don't know where to begin
Ask me later
I want to get to know you again

That same face
Familiar laughter
Here I am amazed
As you ponder
Take your time and ask me later
You should get to know me again

Heart and mind aflutter
But I am eager
Scared, maybe
But we should know better
Uncertain? Yes but I am ready
So ask me again later
Once we get to know each other again

That familiar feeling

It's been a while since I feel this way
A rush of anticipation for what's to come at the start of each day
That high you get at the sight of that familiar face
That familiar feeling...
It's been a while since I feel this way
Free-falling at will
That high you give when you look my way
That familiar feeling...
It's been a while since I feel this way
Fears aside
Souls ignite
That familiar feeling

Every day's a new day

Half the time goes by
Suddenly you're wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...
I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you're on your way
Every day's a new day....

- 100 Years, Five for Fighting

Anything but safe

After 3 years, here I am again. I was tempted to delete the entire blog, but found myself resuscitating it instead. 3 years is not a lifetime, but long enough to make me feel as though I've aged more than I should. Maybe that's why they call it full cycle.

It's strange, really. To pick up from where I left off, and try to open up again. Well, not like I'm about to pour out my heart and soul, but to do this again is sure to surprise some of my close friends even. Actually, I'm kinda surprised at myself. Am I ready for this? Will all this end in heartbreak again, where I have to shut down and recluse into my shell for another period of silence and solitude? I was once told that "nothing happens by being safe".

So here I am now. An attempt at being anything but safe.

It's time for change, because the past still haunts me. It's time to change, because life must go on.

"Looking back on it all, I see what could have been. But am grateful for all that it was." - Frank McCourt